In ETI, fears are linked to the adversarial type. They come from the same part of us that views things as disagreeable. The things we fear often induce a fight, flight or freeze response. Likewise, we tend to find them either difficult to look at or difficult to look away from. Fear captures our attention and demands a reaction. We then become an adversary to the thing we fear. When a fear of intimacy is present, this adversarial reaction is worth paying close attention to.
A person fearing intimacy is often fearing it for a reason. This is usually in response to some kind of pain that emerged as a consequence of intimacy in the past. The issue caused by this is known as the hedgehog’s dilemma. Hedgehogs, being covered in spikes, find it hard to share each other’s warmth. Over time they learn how to do it. Pain is likely when they try to get closer together though. We learn to cope with this and prevent some of it as we familiarise ourselves with someone. However, this same dilemma can lead to a fear of intimacy in some people.
Sometimes the fear of intimacy is down to us attributing a motive to the painful stimuli. Other times it can be caused by an increase in sensitivity. Sometimes we just need to be able to focus on something else for a while. The thing to note is that the same situations that cause us to fear pain will also cause us to fear intimacy. A person fearing intimacy is often more sensitive to intimacy than they would appear to be.
For those who fear intimacy, they are likely already aware of this. They know that oftentimes intimate situations throw them off balance or cause them distress. The key for them is to understand what is causing a fear of intimacy though. Fear can spread. It can spread from the thing feared to the thing that is exposing us to the source of our fear. For example: someone who is scared of loud noises may be scared of someone who shouts a lot.
Because intimacy is something many of us want, the individual who is afraid of intimacy has to contend with this on a regular basis. People are very frequently trying to press upon them the same thing that they believe will hurt them. This can lead to a misanthropic or otherwise suspicious view of others. It’s possible to become afraid of others when the fear is not actually of them. Rather, it is the fear of intimacy with them.
To contend with this, some give and take is necessary. The person who fears intimacy needs to be provided with space so that they may face what they are afraid of at their own speed. Likewise, those who suspect that they have a fear of intimacy need to keep in mind what they are really afraid of. This will give them a more lenient view towards those who seek intimacy and help minimise the adversarial view.
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